Give Advice Without Causing Offense

Shaykh ‘Abdullah ‘Azzam

“…and because of this, the Prophet exposed for us those who please us with their tongues, when he said: “Throw dirt in their faces,” meaning, the faces of those who praise people to their faces. Likewise, he said to the one who praised his brother to his face: “You have broken your brother’s back.” So, praising your brother to his face is disliked - if not forbidden - except in the case that you are trying to point out some of his faults. In such a situation, there is no problem in you mentioning some of his praiseworthy traits, such as saying to him: ‘Brother, you are very intelligent, and you are a man who is loved by the people, and you are a person who is considered a leader. However, I see in you such-and-such a fault, so, is it possible for you to correct these faults?’ And if the person that you wish to advise has a position of authority over you, is older than you, or is your parent, then there is no problem in sending him a message, for example.

Hasan al-Banna - may Allah have Mercy upon him - said: “We used to follow this way of commanding the good and forbidding the evil. We had a shaykh who used to teach us and guide us, so, one day, I saw him praying between the pillars of the mosque. So, I wanted to advise him that praying between the pillars of the mosque is disliked (makruh). So, I wrote him a letter, and addressed it on behalf of ‘A Doer of Good,’ saying: “O Shaykh, I saw you praying between the pillars of the mosque, and this is disliked, as the Prophet said.” I then signed it ‘A Doer of Good,’ and sent it to him by mail. He got the letter and read it, then he said: “O youth! I have received a letter from a man who advised me not to pray between the pillars of the mosque, and I did not previously know that this is disliked, so, don’t do it.”"

Hasan al-Banna added: “I was amongst the youth that he was addressing. So, we were able to fulfill a good action without causing any insult or offense to our teacher….”

Therefore, commanding the good and forbidding the evil requires a person who loves the people; a person who looks at the bigger picture; a person with a gentle tongue. Do not come to one and say: ‘I hate you for the sake of Allah because you do this or that.’ Are you not able to say, instead: ‘I love you for the sake of Allah, my brother! However, I saw a simple and small mistake from you.’

By Allah, a brother described to me the following: “Someone came up to me and said: “I hate you for the Sake of Allah.”

So, I said to him: “Why? Why do you hate me for the Sake of Allah?”

He replied: “Because your father is from the Ikhwan al-Muslimin.”"

There is no might nor power except with Allah. What Islam is this? I hate him for the Sake of Allah - for what? Because his father is from the Ikhwan al-Muslimin. Sufficient is Allah as the Disposer of our affairs, and this person considers this to be commanding the good and forbidding the evil and a proclamation of the truth, and he thinks that he will have some reward as a result of this, as a result of his putting off the Muslims…”

['Fi Dhilal Surat at-Tawbah'; p. 75]

How NOT to be a good Muslim wife

Naomi: He bought them for you?!

Charlotte: Yeah but he bought the wrong ones.

Naomi: A lot of men would never buy female essentials. Masha'Allah I hope you're grateful you've got such a good husband. The other day he went out specially to buy you painkillers instead of saying "You know you get cramps, you go out every other day, couldn't you be prepared and buy some from the shop to keep at home?" And he fills you a hot water bottle when you need it... Not every man would do that for their wife. I hope you don't take that for granted.

Charlotte: Hmm....

[Later on at home.]

Charlotte: Naomi said I should be grateful cos you do that stuff for me. So jazakAllah khair.

Jack: Hmm....

Charlotte: ...Are you happy with me then?!

Jack: Er, why? Didn't you just say it was Naomi's idea..?

* Names have been changed to pretect identity. But the story is true.

The only thing worse than getting married for the wrong reason is ending a marriage for the wrong reason.

Family relationships are awe-inspiring.

Family relationships are awe-inspiring. It's amazing how a mother feels instant love, affection and protection for her child as soon as it's born, even before it is born. To everyone else it's a shrivelled up slimy shreiking creature with no personality, nothing to give or offer. It's amazing how a man and woman who have had completely separate upbringings, separate lives, separate set of ideals and dreams and aspirations - fundamentally strangers - can come together and experience feelings and emotions never felt before until he cannot imagine life without her in it and vice versa, until they think how was it possible this man/woman was not in their life all these years.

The mother/child and husband/wife relationship is more profound to me than others. It's natural; God made a mother so - if you wanna be scientific about it, I suppose maternal proptection is necessary for the continuation of the species. And God put mercy and affection between a husband and wife. Despite it being the "norm" it doesn't fail to make one wonder. I remember when I was studying philosophy of religion in college we discussed what a miracle means. Many philosophers defined anything that happens out of the ordinary (ie defying natural law) thus indicating God's intervention as a miracle. Of course I didn't agree with that as God doesn't "defy" natural law; natural law is His law and He does as He wills, not bound by anything. His actions can be witnessed in everything in the universe, including natural law, hence the most "normal" things can be viewed as miracles, like a baby being born. Or the love between a husband and wife.

I was flicking through some womens' magazines a few weeks ago and noticed the stories that most struck me were "imbalances" in these natural yet miraculous aspects of human relationships. For example parents dumping and disowning non-adult children, cheating on spouses etc. Things like that don't make sense to me, I conclude that these people are seriously disturbed and abnormal. They don't have what Allah puts in humans - and even animals - naturally. Closer to my own observations and experience, it saddens and even depresses me when I see children treating their parents like crap, thus completely disregarding the huuuge burden on us as children to do birr towards them. I hold my hands up and admit I'm far from an exemplary daughter and I don't excuse that when I say there's a difference between failing due to weakness and failing due to absolute disregard. Likewise when I see parents mess up their kids' marriage and thus their life for their own selfish reasons - aren't parents the one people who should love and sacrifice unconditionally? Similarly when I see husbands having very little or no mercy and love for the woman who has sacrificed and undergone hardship for him... It doesn't make sense to me. Love, care, consideration, compassion towards at least our children, spouses, parents is it not?