The only thing worse than getting married for the wrong reason is ending a marriage for the wrong reason.
14 comments:
Anonymous
said...
subhan'Allah that is soo true. many 'practising' brothers and sisters don't take marriage seriously, i mean do these people actually do any resarch before getting married. subhanAllah it amazes me to hear of stories where the sister wants her husband to obey HER!!! or the brother fails to provide food and clothing for his wife or give her, her basic rights. marriage isn't easy but we need to be patient, wise and as women always seek to please our husbands insha'Allah.
Hema I don't think that's as bad. Staying in a marriage for the sake of marriage being a sacred bond is good enough reason to work through almost all marital problems. I know I'm probably being simplistic here but if peeople actually took marriage seriously and respected marriage as an institution then most things can be worked through. If this isn't there then a trivial or at least a work-out-able problem becomes huge and result=divorce.
I think the problem in our community is not that people are staying in marriage rather people are breaking up marriages.
I agree with Saabrah. i believe 0that any problems can be solved and any mistakes can be forgiven. I think sometimes people forget that marriage is a compromise for both the man and woman. We demand too much and never really apperciate what we have. If follow the quran and sunnah to the tee will not be in such state as we are today.
Sometimes we pick choose to suit our needs. I think in a situation where we are having problems in a marriage a third party is needed, an imam or a counsellor not any nilly counsellor but someone of knowledge.
People forget that communication and compassion are the keys for a successful marriage. We need to constantly go back to the basics to understand the rest of the issues. i.e Tawheed.
"Staying in a marriage for the sake of marriage being a sacred bond"
of course this is true, but i was referring to marriges where one or both couples are very unhappy to the point of making each other miserable and suffeing physical or verbal abuse, and in our ommunity, there are a lot of people that stay in these marriages becuase they are scared of what people will say, or ruining the family reputation.
of course, you also have the other extreme, where too often people resort to divorce without considering counselling or outside participation before deciding it's over. too many people (especially men) will resort to divorce without thinking things through. and it's sad when that happens with people who you think would no better.
Hema - I know many men tend to take advantage of their rights. Its very scary this is one of the reason I am scared to get married but then you have to look at it this way if its meant to happen it will happen and you have to trust in Allah (swt) as he knows best.
With reagrds to marriage. There are some women that strike me as being very strange. Alhamdolillah, they are practicing, Islamically proactive even, and they emphasise on the importance of the afterlife and it being the only concern; and them sounding downto Earth and all the rest of it.
The one I met came from a wealthy family...Although she sung the pious-sister tune quite well; she then contradiced herself and placed substantial importance on finance and freedom and somehow tied that into 'piety', and that God would question people that did not earn lots of money in a rich land ???
Hmmm, very confusing; any sister care to explain ??? Altough money is important surely it cannot determine our afterlife in her context ??
Okey her wanting a pious guy is good, but if a rich pious guy suddenly looses his wealth then I think she'll run back home ??
Maybe she was trying to get me to earn big bucks so she would not be ashamed of me with her family. I tried to reason with her in terms of logic and philosophy as to why this type of thinking is not inline with Islam; I thought that I actually got through to her. Although we were very fond of each other, she eventually chose a guy with money and she claimed with greater piety.
Allah-ho-Alum... but I am still confused Sister, can you please explain what a pious woman finds appealing in a man. If the appeal is piety, then why would money be a major issue ?
Despite my reservations about finance being of the utmost importance concerning marriage; according to an interpretation of the works of Al-Ghazzali
"Only those people should marry who are wealthy, possess good morals, are steadfast in religion, and above all, are youthful."
Fine, I'm not a perfect Muslim but no-one would claim that (nor am I youthful !) ... nonetheless, Ghazzali does state 'wealth' as being important. Of course, through common sense we know that wealth is necessary for provisions; but how should we define "wealthy" ? Those that can provide without watching the bank balance too closely? Or those that have enough to survive? i.e. modest income ?
Again, Allah-ho-Alum; much to perform salatul-istikharah on.
One thing that I can say for sure Sister Maymoonah, is that women from the UK tend to be very technical in their requirements i.e. what would you do in this situation, or that circumstance? The number of variables that are considered by a woman are innumerable. I feel as though I am being judged for my very existence. This is definitely the case with professional women, according to my experience.
It's a mine-field trying to get married and trying to understand a female's perspective of marriage.
I think I should just shut my brain off and leave it all to Allah, otherwise I'll go potty just thinking about it...
And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Salihoon (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allah is All-Sufficent for His creatures needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people). (24.32)
People look for different things in a spouse I guess. Each to their own. I wouldn't get so upset about it though, Qadr Allah. InshAllah a sister will come along and u'll forget this even happened. We learn and we grow.
I think one of the main things that sisters I know look for is that he should be serious about seeking knowledge and the right knowledge at that. And that he values family relations. Her husband treating her parents and family with honour and kindness and respect is really important to many sisters.
I'm not going to say money isn't important because it is, to some more than others, obviously you need to be able to provide for your wife. But some sisters are more bothered about it than others, depending on the relationship between themselves and their spouse. For a lot of sisters I know they actually don't mind helping their husband a bit if he is struggling financially.
And one thing we've learnt from the alkauthar courses is that the customs of the people is really important. If the sister was used to a comfortable luxurious lifestyle then she has every right to look for that in her marriage too.
I know Jimas have a Islamic matchmaking and nikah service. Its the only one I would ever recommend for anyone. The way they go about it is really good mashaAllah.
I haven't ever had to try it but I know others who would recommend it.
14 comments:
subhan'Allah that is soo true. many 'practising' brothers and sisters don't take marriage seriously, i mean do these people actually do any resarch before getting married. subhanAllah it amazes me to hear of stories where the sister wants her husband to obey HER!!! or the brother fails to provide food and clothing for his wife or give her, her basic rights. marriage isn't easy but we need to be patient, wise and as women always seek to please our husbands insha'Allah.
umm zaidah Nusaybah
how about staying in the marriage for the wrong reasons? because i think that happens too often as well..
but it's scary how easy it is for divorce to happen.
Hema I don't think that's as bad. Staying in a marriage for the sake of marriage being a sacred bond is good enough reason to work through almost all marital problems. I know I'm probably being simplistic here but if peeople actually took marriage seriously and respected marriage as an institution then most things can be worked through. If this isn't there then a trivial or at least a work-out-able problem becomes huge and result=divorce.
I think the problem in our community is not that people are staying in marriage rather people are breaking up marriages.
I agree with Saabrah. i believe 0that any problems can be solved and any mistakes can be forgiven. I think sometimes people forget that marriage is a compromise for both the man and woman. We demand too much and never really apperciate what we have. If follow the quran and sunnah to the tee will not be in such state as we are today.
Sometimes we pick choose to suit our needs. I think in a situation where we are having problems in a marriage a third party is needed, an imam or a counsellor not any nilly counsellor but someone of knowledge.
People forget that communication and compassion are the keys for a successful marriage. We need to constantly go back to the basics to understand the rest of the issues. i.e Tawheed.
faz
"Staying in a marriage for the sake of marriage being a sacred bond"
of course this is true, but i was referring to marriges where one or both couples are very unhappy to the point of making each other miserable and suffeing physical or verbal abuse, and in our ommunity, there are a lot of people that stay in these marriages becuase they are scared of what people will say, or ruining the family reputation.
of course, you also have the other extreme, where too often people resort to divorce without considering counselling or outside participation before deciding it's over. too many people (especially men) will resort to divorce without thinking things through. and it's sad when that happens with people who you think would no better.
Hema - I know many men tend to take advantage of their rights. Its very scary this is one of the reason I am scared to get married but then you have to look at it this way if its meant to happen it will happen and you have to trust in Allah (swt) as he knows best.
With reagrds to marriage. There are some women that strike me as being very strange. Alhamdolillah, they are practicing, Islamically proactive even, and they emphasise on the importance of the afterlife and it being the only concern; and them sounding downto Earth and all the rest of it.
The one I met came from a wealthy family...Although she sung the pious-sister tune quite well; she then contradiced herself and placed substantial importance on finance and freedom and somehow tied that into 'piety', and that God would question people that did not earn lots of money in a rich land ???
Hmmm, very confusing; any sister care to explain ??? Altough money is important surely it cannot determine our afterlife in her context ??
Okey her wanting a pious guy is good, but if a rich pious guy suddenly looses his wealth then I think she'll run back home ??
"...and that God would question people that did not earn lots of money in a rich land ???"
Did she actually say this?
Yes, she did say this.
Maybe she was trying to get me to earn big bucks so she would not be ashamed of me with her family. I tried to reason with her in terms of logic and philosophy as to why this type of thinking is not inline with Islam; I thought that I actually got through to her. Although we were very fond of each other, she eventually chose a guy with money and she claimed with greater piety.
Allah-ho-Alum... but I am still confused Sister, can you please explain what a pious woman finds appealing in a man. If the appeal is piety, then why would money be a major issue ?
and...Umm Maymoonah,
Despite my reservations about finance being of the utmost importance concerning marriage; according to an interpretation of the works of Al-Ghazzali
"Only those people should marry who are wealthy, possess good morals, are steadfast in religion, and above all, are youthful."
Fine, I'm not a perfect Muslim but no-one would claim that (nor am I youthful !) ... nonetheless, Ghazzali does state 'wealth' as being important. Of course, through common sense we know that wealth is necessary for provisions; but how should we define "wealthy" ? Those that can provide without watching the bank balance too closely? Or those that have enough to survive? i.e. modest income ?
Again, Allah-ho-Alum; much to perform salatul-istikharah on.
One thing that I can say for sure Sister Maymoonah, is that women from the UK tend to be very technical in their requirements i.e. what would you do in this situation, or that circumstance? The number of variables that are considered by a woman are innumerable. I feel as though I am being judged for my very existence. This is definitely the case with professional women, according to my experience.
It's a mine-field trying to get married and trying to understand a female's perspective of marriage.
I think I should just shut my brain off and leave it all to Allah, otherwise I'll go potty just thinking about it...
And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Salihoon (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allah is All-Sufficent for His creatures needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people).
(24.32)
People look for different things in a spouse I guess. Each to their own. I wouldn't get so upset about it though, Qadr Allah. InshAllah a sister will come along and u'll forget this even happened. We learn and we grow.
I think one of the main things that sisters I know look for is that he should be serious about seeking knowledge and the right knowledge at that. And that he values family relations. Her husband treating her parents and family with honour and kindness and respect is really important to many sisters.
I'm not going to say money isn't important because it is, to some more than others, obviously you need to be able to provide for your wife. But some sisters are more bothered about it than others, depending on the relationship between themselves and their spouse. For a lot of sisters I know they actually don't mind helping their husband a bit if he is struggling financially.
And one thing we've learnt from the alkauthar courses is that the customs of the people is really important. If the sister was used to a comfortable luxurious lifestyle then she has every right to look for that in her marriage too.
Jazakallah Sister Maymoonah,
You have cleared alot of things up and all your points are valid.
Inshallah, Allah has paired a soul with mine and it's only a matter of time.
Assalaamualaikum...
I know Jimas have a Islamic matchmaking and nikah service. Its the only one I would ever recommend for anyone. The way they go about it is really good mashaAllah.
I haven't ever had to try it but I know others who would recommend it.
http://www.jimas.org/morndew.htm
Post a Comment